Trixie and Katya Guide to Surviving the Pandemic

Trixie and Katya’s guide to surviving the Pandemic ….In Vanity Fair

Vanity Fair: What is your advice for people tired of seeing their own faces these days?

Katya: Paint on a different one!

Trixie Mattel: This is a window for you, Carolyn, to become the new hot girl in the office right under everyone’s noses. Because you watched a few makeup tutorials and the hot girl didn’t. Also lighting. I’ve seen so many articles for straight people being like, “How to Look Good in Your Zoom Meeting.” Did you need to be told to turn the lights on and put some fucking lip balm on?

Katya: You want to make more money? Get a ring light.

What is a proper quarantine hygienic ritual, and how often should showering factor into it?

Katya: It’s about maintaining a sense of dignity and a sense of decorum for yourself. Yeah, maybe you’re not in the office stinking it up, but keeping up with your daily ablutions is essential for the self-esteem.

Mattel: It’s sort of a wake-up call in quarantine when you get Grubhub or whatever, and you actually smell so bad that you’re like, Could I go pick up my food? Or am I going to knock that person out on their ass?

Katya: Yeah, is it Leonardo DiCaprio from The Revenant answering the door?

Mattel: I literally look like Anthony Hopkins in [The Mask of Zorro]. I have long gray hair. I’m wearing a silk scarf.

You have a whole conversation in the book about traveling, which isn’t really possible right now. Do you have any alternatives for people who want a change of scenery?

Katya: Yes! Jogging in place! If you’re lucky enough to have a spare room, you get a nice printout of the Taj Mahal on one wall, maybe Paris on the other wall. You just jog in place, turn around every once in a while. Around the world in 90 seconds. It tricks the brain.

Mattel: I don’t know what you need going places, but who are you running from is the bigger question.

Katya: For people missing travel, this is an opportunity to return to you. Travel inward. Go deep. You don’t need a passport for that.

What’re your thoughts on meeting people and dating during a pandemic? Yay or nay?

Katya: No. Nay. Emphatic.

Mattel: Remember at the beginning of this pandemic when people were breaking up left and right because being together this much was making them confront realities that they knew were in place before this? In a relationship you need to go on that trip together to find out how you are over a long period. This is that long period for a lot of people.

Katya: This is why God invented Chaturbate.

Mattel: This is why God invented jerking off on my roof with my neighbor.

What about long distance? Not the way to go?

Katya: Try it, why not? I strongly do not suggest that people hook up in real life.

Mattel: Even without a pandemic, have you ever thought about hooking up and then you jerk off and then you feel like you just dodged a bullet?

Katya: Every time.

Mattel: Every time! So just do that more. Also, keep a filthy apartment. Because the shame will keep you from inviting anyone over.

Did you guys see that video of those Fire Island gays partying on the beach?

Mattel: If you went to Fire Island, we didn’t need COVID to tell us something about you. We already know.

Katya: COVID is the least of your problems.

Mattel: When has a fucking virus stopped gay people from having sex with each other?

Do you have any tips for keeping friendships alive and healthy when we don’t know when we’re going to be seeing our friends in person again?

Katya: The lost art of prank calling. People are sitting around doing nothing. They’re more likely to answer a blocked number. So just check up on your friends from a blocked number and do a funny voice. It can be threatening or whimsical—it’s up to you. You just have to keep things exciting.

Mattel: This is one big test of who’s in your life and why. Who are you really going to keep in touch with when the chips are down? Sometimes you have to let relationships go when they’ve run their course. I guarantee you, if Katya and I didn’t work together, I’d never speak to that little bald fucker ever again.

Here, Mattel and Katya walk us through their tips for exercise, Zoom calls, and maintaining one’s pandemic fantasy.

Vanity Fair: What is your advice for people tired of seeing their own faces these days?

Katya: Paint on a different one!

Trixie Mattel: This is a window for you, Carolyn, to become the new hot girl in the office right under everyone’s noses. Because you watched a few makeup tutorials and the hot girl didn’t. Also lighting. I’ve seen so many articles for straight people being like, “How to Look Good in Your Zoom Meeting.” Did you need to be told to turn the lights on and put some fucking lip balm on?

Katya: You want to make more money? Get a ring light.

What is a proper quarantine hygienic ritual, and how often should showering factor into it?

Katya: It’s about maintaining a sense of dignity and a sense of decorum for yourself. Yeah, maybe you’re not in the office stinking it up, but keeping up with your daily ablutions is essential for the self-esteem.

Mattel: It’s sort of a wake-up call in quarantine when you get Grubhub or whatever, and you actually smell so bad that you’re like, Could I go pick up my food? Or am I going to knock that person out on their ass?

Katya: Yeah, is it Leonardo DiCaprio from The Revenant answering the door?

Mattel: I literally look like Anthony Hopkins in [The Mask of Zorro]. I have long gray hair. I’m wearing a silk scarf.

You have a whole conversation in the book about traveling, which isn’t really possible right now. Do you have any alternatives for people who want a change of scenery?

Katya: Yes! Jogging in place! If you’re lucky enough to have a spare room, you get a nice printout of the Taj Mahal on one wall, maybe Paris on the other wall. You just jog in place, turn around every once in a while. Around the world in 90 seconds. It tricks the brain.

Mattel: I don’t know what you need going places, but who are you running from is the bigger question.

Katya: For people missing travel, this is an opportunity to return to you. Travel inward. Go deep. You don’t need a passport for that.

What’re your thoughts on meeting people and dating during a pandemic? Yay or nay?

Katya: No. Nay. Emphatic.

Mattel: Remember at the beginning of this pandemic when people were breaking up left and right because being together this much was making them confront realities that they knew were in place before this? In a relationship you need to go on that trip together to find out how you are over a long period. This is that long period for a lot of people.

Katya: This is why God invented Chaturbate.

Mattel: This is why God invented jerking off on my roof with my neighbor.

What about long distance? Not the way to go?

Katya: Try it, why not? I strongly do not suggest that people hook up in real life.

Mattel: Even without a pandemic, have you ever thought about hooking up and then you jerk off and then you feel like you just dodged a bullet?

Katya: Every time.

Mattel: Every time! So just do that more. Also, keep a filthy apartment. Because the shame will keep you from inviting anyone over.

Did you guys see that video of those Fire Island gays partying on the beach?

Mattel: If you went to Fire Island, we didn’t need COVID to tell us something about you. We already know.

Katya: COVID is the least of your problems.

Mattel: When has a fucking virus stopped gay people from having sex with each other?

Do you have any tips for keeping friendships alive and healthy when we don’t know when we’re going to be seeing our friends in person again?

Katya: The lost art of prank calling. People are sitting around doing nothing. They’re more likely to answer a blocked number. So just check up on your friends from a blocked number and do a funny voice. It can be threatening or whimsical—it’s up to you. You just have to keep things exciting.

Mattel: This is one big test of who’s in your life and why. Who are you really going to keep in touch with when the chips are down? Sometimes you have to let relationships go when they’ve run their course. I guarantee you, if Katya and I didn’t work together, I’d never speak to that little bald fucker ever again.

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